My Child is Emotionally Dysregulated. What Can I Do? Part 2 of 2

In Part 1, I talked about emotional dysregulation in children and its importance, and shared three guiding principles to keep in mind if your child is chronically dysregulated. In this second part, I talk about seven things you can do to help your child become better emotionally regulated. If you have not read Part 1 already, I encourage you to do so before reading this Part 2. Every child is unique, and different things work differently with different children. Therefore, it is important to let the principles guide you as you implement these strategies.

Some Things to Try

1. The environment in your home

There are a lot of things you can do to change the environment to make things calmer, which can help your child be more emotionally regulated.

One thing you can do is limit the amount of toys and other items that are out at one time. I have seen children’s behavior change dramatically in a span of under five minutes just by having fewer things out, and a neater, more visually organized space.

Many children in America have far too many toys. Having too many things out adds stress and makes things feel unmanageable. If things have been this way in your home for a long time, you might be surprised to find out how much more relaxed your whole family feels when there are fewer toys out. In order to make this work, it is necessary to take some toys out of circulation for awhile.

For younger children, you can simply box up some of the toys that they never play with and put the boxes somewhere out of reach for awhile [Note: Never take away favorite toys as punishment or withhold comfort items]. For older children, you can explain that you know they have a lot of things, and you think that having fewer things available at one time will help them feel calmer. Ask them to pick out their favorites. Explain that you will put the other items away for now, and after a month or two, you will go through the boxes together and decide what to bring out again and what, if anything, to donate. Make sure to write it on the calendar and keep your word.

I suggest keeping similar items together in bins or baskets labeled with a word or picture so children can clean up easily after playing. Teach your children how to use this system to put everything away when it is time to clean up. A good rule of thumb is that if there are too many things for you to quickly pick up, then there are too many things for them to have available at any one time.

Another thing you can do is have calming sensory elements in your home. Soothing background sounds or calming music is a good start. If you have the television on a lot in your home, try playing calming music instead at certain times and see what a difference it makes. Plants also add a sense of calmness, as does natural or soft lighting, instead of harsh or bright artificial lights.

2. Scheduling

Be sure your child knows what is coming next in the day, and try to keep daily routines consistent. Post a schedule or a picture schedule, and let your child know ahead of time if there are going to be any changes.

3. Transitions

A source of a lot of problems with dysregulated children is transition times. Make transitions easier by giving your child a little bit of advance notice before she will need to put something away and change activities.

4. A calm place

Have a designated place in your home where your child can go when she is becoming upset and dysregulated. This should be somewhere close to you. As a parent, you are your child’s greatest source of soothing and regulation. These suggestions are not punishments or discipline; they are tools to help your child feel better before she becomes so dysregulated that she is unable to manage herself effectively.

Keep your child near you and offer soothing and comfort before things build to the point of boiling over. You may want to keep a special bag or basket of soothing things for your child to use while sitting near you, or allow her to take 1-2 items to her room for awhile if she prefers to be alone (when your child is choosing this as a regulation strategy, not when she is being sent away to her room as punishment).

5. Calm interactions

Children absorb the emotional states of their parents. Therefore if you are angry or anxious, your child is likely to also become angry or anxious. When helping your child to be more emotionally regulated and spend more time in an emotionally regulated state, it is important that you are also calm and regulated as much as possible.

When you need to give your child an instruction, make sure you are in close proximity to her and have her full attention. Then give the instruction clearly in a calm, firm, nonthreatening tone, with the expectation of compliance. Some children can only handle one instruction at a time. Ask your child to come back to you afterward for the next instruction, when you have more than one.  

6. Limited choices

Wherever possible, give your child two equally-acceptable choices and then accept her choice. Make sure this is a genuine choice (i.e., “You can put on your pajamas first or you can brush your teeth first.”) and not a “choice” between complying with your directive or being punished. Simple, limited choices give children some power without too much choice, which can be overwhelming to some children.

7. Advance teaching

Teach your child the skills she needs during calm times when you both are calm and regulated. Self-soothing skills, social skills, communication skills, and anger management skills can all be explained calmly, and role-played. You can read stories introducing these concepts, and practice with puppets or dolls or action figures. You can find out what skills your child’s therapist is teaching, and reinforce these at home. Once your child understands what to do and when, you can provide calm, loving guidance in real-life situations.

As you implement these ideas and your home becomes calmer, you can expect your child to also become calmer. Your child may develop better confidence in herself as she realizes she can get her needs met while remaining emotionally regulated. Remember to seek professional help if needed.