Do You Have a Talented Child? Six Things to Keep in Mind

Some children have an obvious aptitude for something at an early age. From the child who is clearly musical before being taught anything, to the toddler who is teaching themselves back flips, to the child who learns chess and is amazingly good at it from the start. Other children are introduced to something later on and pick it up quickly, or are so intensely interested in it that they spend hours working on it until the people around them begin to notice their skill development.

Naturally, as a parent, you want to nurture your child’s talents and watch them thrive in their skill development and enjoyment of the activity. It is interesting to listen to adults who showed a natural aptitude for something early in life and became well-known for it. Sometimes they talk about having had a good experience and other times they reflect back with anger or despair about how their talent was managed and guided during their childhood.

Here are six things to keep in mind as you nurture your talented child’s skill development.

1. Understand the difference between a talent and a skill

Talent is an innate aptitude or ability, such as being musical or athletic, but a skill is the proficiency that comes from taking the time and effort to develop the talent. Or, as the saying goes, “Success is 10% inspiration and 90% perspiration.” It is common for people to praise children for being talented, when what they are actually appreciating is the skill the child has developed. The problem with complimenting for talent instead of skill is that it implies that your talented child’s skill level is mostly innate and disregards the extended amount of time and work they have put into developing the skill.

Suppose your child believes their skill is innate. What happens then, when they come in last in their strongest event at a competition or their memory goes blank while performing a solo? In addition to feeling bad about their performance, they may begin to wonder how “talented” they really are.

Differentiating between talent and skill will help your child internalize a focus on the aspects they have control over, such as practice and mental focus, instead of believing that a given performance (which can vary according to many factors, some of which they do not have control over) is a commentary on something they cannot directly control.

2. Be careful about linking your child’s talent to their identity

It can be easy for parents to refer to their children by their talent. It might be tempting to make statements such as “She’s our little gymnast” or “He’s the dancer in the family”. This can potentially cause difficulty when your child is having a problem or needs to pull back from the activity. This can happen when:

• Your child feels she is not as accomplished as she thinks she should be

• Something happens to make it not possible to continue with the activity in the same way as previously, such as an athlete becoming severely injured, or

• Your child wants to be less involved in his chosen activity or wants to try other activities.

While it is not inherently wrong to be known as the person in the family who is especially good at something, when it is tied too closely to their identity, a major change like this can cause a talented child to feel like they are losing their identity or feel like it is not okay to change activities.

3. Encourage your child to participate in different types of activities

By this, I do not mean formal enrollment in many different structured activities at once, such that your child is oversubscribed and becomes exhausted from his many obligations. Rather, encourage your child to have a balanced approach to trying different things. Try different types of activities together as a family. Provide low-stress ways for your child to see what he enjoys.

Childhood is a time to try many different things without the obligation to settle intensely into one thing prematurely. What happens when a child has developed their skills in one thing only and then loses competitions and feels like a failure? You do not want your child to feel that his worth is tied to one activity that he now feels he is a “failure” at.

4. Listen carefully to your child’s thoughts and feelings about their participation in their activity

Check in with your child several times throughout the year/season. Help her solve any problems she is facing. Talk with her honestly about the effects of competition or performances on her stress level and self-esteem. Be sensitive to what your child tells you.

Often, children do not want to disappoint their parents and will say they still like doing something because they believe their parents want them to continue. This can be especially true if you have made financial or other sacrifices for their lessons or other participation needs. Let your children know regularly that their wellbeing is the most important factor to you and that you love them regardless of what they are participating or not participating in.

5. Be careful that you are not living vicariously through your child’s talent experiences

Parents want their children to have good experiences growing up, and it is common to want to give your children opportunities you did not have as a child. This is just a word of caution to be aware of how your perceptions and feelings about aspects of your child’s participation in their chosen activities may be quite different than your child’s perceptions and feelings.

Maintaining this awareness, along with respect for your child’s experience of their participation, will help your child have as much enjoyment as possible. Blurring the lines between the two can create the feeling of a burden in children when they feel like their participation or performance is primarily for their parent’s benefit.

6. Understand the difference between practice time and performance time

Practice time means your child is honing his skills without regard for the opinions of people who may be present and watching. Performance times are when he is in (or rehearsing) a performance situation. People often have a natural inclination to praise or criticize children for “how they did” during practice times. This can be detrimental because it adds pressure, and decreases attention and focus on skills during times when they need to be concentrating on skill development. It can also decrease internal motivation. 

Children need to be able to practice without being concerned about how it looks to others. The exception to this would be if a child often has behavior problems during practice times, such as not following rules or difficulty paying attention, and you are checking in with the instructor to ask how they did, behaviorally.

To wrap up

When your child exhibits a talent and is in the process of developing it, there are some things to keep in mind to give them a good experience. Understand the difference between a talent and a skill, and help your child internalize more of a focus on skill development. Be careful about linking your child’s talent to their identity, and encourage your child to participate in different types of activities. Allow them to enjoy a variety of activities and explore who they are and what they like.

Listen carefully to your child’s thoughts and feelings about their participation in their chosen activity. Be careful that you are not living vicariously through your child’s talent experiences. And finally, understand the difference between practice time and performance time, and resist the urge to evaluate your child’s performance during practice times.

Many children are internally driven to succeed. Sometimes a talented child needs reminders that the primary motivation should be enjoyment of the activity rather than trying to meet an external standard of perfection or be the best at something.