Improve Your Communication with Your Children
If you would like to improve your relationship with your children, one the easiest places to start is by making changes in the way you communicate with them. Often, parents can find themselves caught in negative, unproductive interactions that leave everyone upset. This can happen so quickly that one day you wonder, “How did we get to this point?” In this article I talk about 10 common communication mistakes and what you can do instead. When communication improves, relationships usually improve as well.
As you read through these 10 common mistakes, you may recognize some of them in your interaction patterns. Resist the urge to be too critical of yourself. Instead, think of these as indicators that some changes are needed. Once you see what needs to be different, you can start making the changes.
1. Asking instead of telling your child to do something
Does this question sound familiar: “Can you pick up your toys?”? Does this response sound familiar: “No.” Parents often fall into the trap of stating a command as a question, asked in a passive tone as if it were optional. Try this instead: “Pick up your toys, please,” stated in a calm, firm voice. This way is much more likely to get compliance from your child.
2. Scolding or calling your child’s name in negative tone (being overly critical)
If your child misbehaves a lot, it is very easy to fall into this trap. When children often hear their name called with a negative tone, they begin to think of themselves as “bad” and they will meet the expectation. They will also, over time and with effort on your part, work to meet a positive expectation. Cultivate the habit of saying your child’s name with a positive and loving tone. When your facial expression matches the love in your tone, your child will know you treasure them, and they will think of themselves as “good,” and will begin to prove you right.
3. Not leaving time and energy for your child to test the limits
Children need to test limits. It is their way of reassuring themselves that you mean what you say and that you can be counted on to keep them safe. It is like entering an unknown structure and pushing against the walls to ensure they are not going to give way. The more the “walls” of the relationship with you “give way” the more unsteady they feel, and they will test more in an effort to try to find the stability they need from you. From a parents’ perspective, this testing behavior can be tiring, especially when you are in a hurry and have a lot going on in that moment. The solution is to realize this is a normal need that all children have (some more than others) and build time into your schedule so you can handle the testing behaviors calmly, firmly, and without anger.
4. Saying no too often or to things that are unimportant
This is a tough one because it is one of the important jobs of parenting to set limits. Limits help children stay safe and learn prosocial behavior. But sometimes there are ways to do this without saying no. Try to use these alternatives as much as you can. For example, when your child wants multiple things in the store that you do not want to buy, can you offer for him to choose one of them? Perhaps something can be done later even though it is not possible to do it now. Give equally acceptable choices and let them choose. You can even ask your children during a quiet moment what they think is reasonable in certain situations and then when they push the limits, remind them of what they decided. And then there is the old standby when you’re not sure- “Maybe, let me think about it.”
5. Not giving enough wait time before expecting a response
Often parents ask a question or give a directive and expect a response right away. When there is a delay, you may see it as a lack of cooperation and become more demanding. This sets in motion a negative cycle. However, many children actually need a much longer wait time than parents think they need, in order to formulate their reply. This is especially true if information is missing or your child is trying to figure out exactly what you are referring to. Try allowing three times more wait time than usual and see if your child responds better to you.
6. Giving commands or instructions from across the room or while your child is doing something
How often do you find yourself speaking to your child loudly from across the room while they are playing or watching television? It is easy to fall into this habit. But it is not the most effective way to communicate, especially if you want your child to listen and comply. Instead, go over to your child or have him come over to you, and only give instructions or share information when you have his full attention.
7. Excessive value judgments- good/bad
The words “good” and “bad” may quite possibly be the most overused words in modern western culture. While these words have their place, children are constantly being scrutinized for their behavior, their grades, their athletic performance, and whether they ate their vegetables at dinner. Try to move away from so much labeling of your child and their behavior as good or bad and save those words for when it really matters. Try instead to ask your child open-ended questions. Listen and give your children your attention and your time. Join with them in their internal world and appreciate them for who they are, without labels that convey a value judgment.
8. Assuming you understand your child’s perspective
Most children regularly do something that their parents don’t like. You’ve talked to your child, used rewards and punishments, tried sticker charts, endured tantrums. If nothing has worked and you are like most people, you probably have a narrative in your head about what is happening and why. But do you really know why your child is doing that (or failing to do what you are asking)? Are you sure? Have you asked her during a calm, quiet moment, with an attitude of genuine curiosity?
I encourage you to find out for sure. Most children have some idea but they will only tell you if they believe you will respect their answer. You might find out something quite different than what you thought. They might tell you, “I look like a baby when I have to hold your hand,” or “Last week my brother was allowed to that, so why can’t I?” Once you know the real reason, you can work with your child to find solutions that are agreeable for everyone.
9. Criticism or negative reactions when your child is distressed or confused
Imagine these situations:
A child is upset. Their parent says, “Why are you so upset?” in an irritated or disapproving tone.
A child feels hurt. Their parent says to them “Stop sulking” or “Quit pouting” and turns away.
A parent has just said something to their child but the child does not quite understand. They pause or say something that indicates they misunderstood, and their parent says, “Why is that so hard for you to understand?” or “What’s the problem? It’s not complicated,” in a tone of contempt.
Unfortunately, these kinds of responses to a child’s distress or confusion are not uncommon. Talking to a child like this can be damaging to the child’s emotions and sense of self, as well as to the parent-child relationship. There are various reasons why parents respond like this, and while a discussion of these reasons is beyond the scope of this article, the important take-away is that if you find yourself doing this, please find a way to respond differently to your child.
The emotional wounds from this kind of communication can last a lifetime. Your children need your emotional support. Focus on responding to their distress or confusion with empathy and compassion. Invite your child to tell you more about how they feel, and offer comfort and support. If you are intensely uncomfortable when your child is distressed, consider finding your own emotional support to help you feel more comfortable with these emotions.
10. Using power or dominance in an effort to compel compliance
Sometimes parents take advantage of the fact that they are bigger and stronger to gain compliance. When parents do this, they are communicating an implicit threat to their child: “Do as I say or I might hurt you.” When a parent exhibits threatening body language with anger or aggression in their voice and their face, these words do not need to be spoken for the child to understand the threat of danger. It conveys that your dominance matters more to you than your child. When this happens, it destroys the trust your child has in you, and harms their self-esteem. It is a dangerous stance that can spiral into emotional or even physical abuse.
Instead, restate what you want your child to do (or stop doing) calmly and firmly. Be prepared to take the time to administer a time-out, if necessary. Minimize any extra talking until the matter has been dealt with. There are other things you can try, depending on the situation and other factors, and there are professionals who can help you learn more effective ways of dealing with misbehavior, if needed. The main thing is to always protect your child’s dignity. Your child should be able to count on you to preserve their dignity and should never be in a position of having to protect their own dignity from you.
When You Realize You Have Made a Mistake That Has Hurt Your Child’s Feelings
No parent is perfect and no child is either. When you realize you have made a mistake and have hurt your child’s feelings, apologize. An apology, when offered sincerely and with love, can repair hurt and restore relationships. First allow adequate wait time for your child’s anger to subside. If you said or did something hurtful, they have a right to feel hurt and angry, and that should not be taken away from them. Just don’t let too much time go by before admitting what you did wrong and offering your sincere apology. If your child is not ready to hear it, wait some more, and be willing to say it again. It will mean a lot to your child, even if they feel they need to preserve their dignity awhile longer by not letting you see that it has helped.
To Wrap Up
I encourage you to start today by choosing one or two things from this list to focus on. Once these new habits become more automatic, add one or two more, a little at a time. It takes effort and practice to improve your communication with your children, but it is well worth it. See if you and your children find yourselves smiling at each other more and enjoying the better relationships you are developing with them.
